Back? Maybe not, maybe just more vocal…

So.

I went my quietest that I’ve ever been in the last few years on social media.  I’ve cut back massively on Facebook, I’m not on Twitter at all really, I’m rarely posting photos to Instagram.  I’ve become slightly more active on Goodreads, but only because I pledged to read 500 books this year.  I’m well on track, I just need to record that, but I’ve spent the last few days…weeks…months really, hiding in my room.  Sleeping.  Watching TV.  No games on my computer, but I did spend a lot of time on my Kindle fire.  I did also do a lot of work – the piece work anyway.  I’m catching up slowly, but I thought I’d pop up and say hiya and explain what’s been going on.

Not a lot to be honest.

My mental health has been on quite a solid downward swing for a while now. I’ve talked about it often on the blog, but I’ve spent the last few…since before December really, hiding in our room.  We went home this Christmas, but we came back and I began basically living up there.  We’ve had a couple of really serious issues with my health these last few months too, starting with a nasty caustic soda burn on my hand.  I did it the middle of December, and it meant, for three days, I basically watched my skin deteriorate on the back of my hand.  It really hurt to be honest – I ended up on quite strong meds, antibiotics and all sorts.  I’d already been put on antibiotics for an ear infection, and so, there I was, rattling from all of the physical issues I had.  Add to that, I finally got to stop my seroquel.  I’ll talk about that a bit more in depth elsewhere, later, but it meant that i was out of sorts, off anything that was really helping me cope with all of the anxiety.  And though I felt the meds weren’t working, I guess there was a portion of them working, because dropping them was like dropping off a cliff.

I’ve been plunging for weeks now.  It’s been an awful freefall, punctuated by medical issues, puking blood (again), becoming so dehydrated that my veins collapsed as people tried to get me IV’d, a left hand with some quite impressive scar tissue on it – I had full thickness burns from the caustic soda, in the end (and did you know, the burns can sometimes take up to a week or more to develop?  I didn’t.), and I’ve finally been told I have something wrong with my esophagus – four years of testing, and they’ve found grade one damage.  I did that camera test unsedated and I was so unhappy – it scared the life out of me to do it, and to be honest, I kinda wish I’d come back another time and done it with sedation.  I’ve also had several hospital stays mixed in with all of this – I mean, don’t get me wrong, I seem to spend a lot of time in hospital yearly – up to two weeks I’d guess if we include the overnights, but if that grade 1 scar tissue inside my throat is healing instead of being there permanently, that could be where the blood came from when being ill.  So it’s been a lot to take in, overall.

I’m not promising I’m back – I can’t promise that, but I’m going to try and be a bit more vocal.  I have to try and be more vocal.