I’m trying to get into the habit of exercising regularly, eating well and writing. The last few months, I’ve spent my days feeling quite sorry for myself. It’s true, I got Glass Block out, but I feel like I’m not managing everything that I want to do.
I’ve talked to the other half about it, and he says that it’s our choice to change the things that we’re unhappy about, and he’s right.
I’ve been saying for a very long time that things need to change – and we do get things changed, a little. And then, either I backslide a bit, or something else happens that causes more issues. Lately it seems like I plug one hole, and two more suddenly spring up.
Some of it seems like it’s willpower, and when I think about it, it’s something I’ve always had problems with as a child. But again, talking to my partner, I realized that my biggest issue isn’t willpower. I have a huge amount of willpower, but it, and most of my ‘courage’ is being spent on functioning like an adult.
When it takes courage to get up and come downstairs from your bedroom, when it’s easier to roll over and go back to sleep till the boys come home…It’s kinda understandable that I’ve got a few issues. I don’t sleep properly either – that time I feel like I’m wasting is because I don’t write in bed (I probably should). And that’s just compounded by the fact that I struggle to get up in the morning. So I go back to sleep.
It’s not that I don’t want the life I’ve always dreamed of – some of it is because I feel like I don’t deserve it, but a lot more of it is… it’s spending currency that I only get a finite amount of. I don’t have the ‘extra’ right now to spend on exercise, or blogging, or even writing. My ‘easy option’ is gaming, on the computer. When I have no more energy, I game, and I sit on Facebook. And that’s sorta good for me – I get to talk to friends. But…
One of the things I’ve noticed is I’m not nearly as ‘sharp’ as I used to be. Some of it is definitely my meds – cyclazine, which is an antisickness med, makes me feel very sleepy and dopey. Couple that with very strong pain meds, and I’m pretty sure that this feeling of being behind a great big pane of glass has something to do with them. At the other end of this, my other meds aren’t working, so I’m constantly anxious and on guard. That’s where the burning of my willpower comes from. It’s been this way since August, and made worse when I was put on lithium, but took until the beginning of the year to resolve properly. And I’m now back in that spiral of sore stomach/not eating much/sleeping very poorly, to the point that my partner’s spent most of this week encouraging me just to sleep and stay in bed. It’s been hard work this week to leave my bedroom – to open my laptop and write. So I haven’t.
It’s a spiral that, if I fall into it completely, I’ll never come back from. I know, deep in my heart, that I need to work on this. I’m not sure *how*, other than one step at a time.
Depression isn’t an easy thing to deal with at the best of times, but when you’re already on medication for other issues, I think it’s even harder. How do you know that what you’re going through isn’t to do with your meds already? How do you know, if you’ve slowly become isolated, that this is worse?
I don’t have those answers, but what I need to do now is find my way back to loving my writing, and taking care of myself. Even if it means going for a walk first thing in the morning to shake the foggy feeling I get from my meds. I used to run several times a week, and I miss that, but that’s two steps beyond where I am right now. I’m not so far back that I’ll never make it, but I’ve got work to do. I suspect I’m not going to find it easy, but perhaps that’s part of the point.
I don’t agree that nothing worthwhile is easy – for me, writing is incredibly easy, like breathing – but the ability to do as I’ve planned, and find my health and wellness is difficult. I know exactly where my center is, and it’s waaay north of where it should be. Depression has put me in a hole, and first, I need to climb up and out of where I am. I’ve got just enough willpower to do that, and I’ll find the courage as I pull myself up, but I suspect that it’s going to take a little more than just saying I’m going to do it.
But I have to try. One way or another, I need to backfill the hole I landed in, and deal with the issues with my health. I have an amazing partner, who’s willing to help me, and the best of friends, but I’m the one that needs to sort myself out and take those first steps. Chin up, head down.
I won’t let this beat me.